


Am I Broken?

by Adventures_in_Writing



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Asexual Pidge | Katie Holt, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, Homoromantic demisexual Keith, Other, Questioning one's sexuality, and I know some people will find that uncomfortable, basically Pidge goes to Lance for advice, because she is questioning her sexuality or lack thereof, cos Lance starts talking about some experiences he had when he was 16, everyone is aged up by around four or five years, i've never written something like this before and i'm a bit nervous posting it, if there need to be any other tags please let me know, mentions of background Klance, mentions of background Shallura, mentions of background Shay/Hunk, tagged as mature because sex is mentioned and implied a few times, warning for mentions of underage sexual acts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-10-07 17:52:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10366167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adventures_in_Writing/pseuds/Adventures_in_Writing
Summary: Pidge is feeling a little lost and confused so she goes to Lance for some advice.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I basically had this idea that Pidge seeks Lance out for advice because he reminds her of a big brother and since he's bisexual, she knows she can approach him to ask him some questions about love and sexuality and romantic attraction.
> 
> I'm a bit nervous posting this...a lot of Pidge's questioning comes from my own experiences with asexuality and I am aware that it might be different to other people's experiences. It's something I still struggle with to this day. Some of Lance's experiences are from friends of mine from when they were learning about themselves and their bodies.
> 
> If I need to tag anything due to the content of this fic, please let me know and I shall add it.

* * *

They had been out in space for a long time now: Zarkon’s reach was widespread and although his empire was well on its way to being defeated, the Paladins of Voltron still had much work to do.  
  
That wasn’t to say it was all work and no play. They had finally been close enough to Earth for each of the paladins to make a call home; tearful reunions and promises of staying safe and calling whenever they could making everyone feel a little happier. Pidge had been happy to see that Matt had managed to stay safe after escaping the Galra outpost that she had seen him at. It had been heartbreaking to hear Matt say that there was still no word about their father, but he would be doing everything he could to locate him. If he found anything at all, Matt would send the information to Pidge as soon as possible. It had been good to hear from her brother, although he was still fighting, he was no longer in the Galra’s prison compounds which meant he had a good chance of seeing Pidge again one day. She refused to let herself be afraid for him: he had proven that he was capable and Matt had said that after everything Zarkon had put him through, a little revenge would be sweet. She had noticed that a shy alien from a race she hadn’t encountered yet had been lurking in the background of the video call and when Pidge enquired about them, Matt had blushed, scratching the back of his neck as he explained that the Tokorian was his fiancee. Or, at least, the equivalent of a fiancee for the Tokori. Pidge found herself teasing her brother, saying that he had better send her and the rest of the paladins an invite to the wedding after they had cleaned up this Zarkon business. Matt had teased Pidge, asking if she had a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner (not wanting to leave out anyone). She had bumbled and stuttered her way through an excuse; there hadn’t really been much time in between battles with Zarkon’s forces and saving planets, she had been far too young when she first joined Voltron to think about that kind of thing. Matt had laughed at her reaction, saying that he was only teasing. Pidge had blushed red, embarrassed that she had been so worked up over a simple yes or no question.  
  
However, Matt’s innocent enough question had set Pidge’s mind ticking. She was seventeen, almost eighteen. The other paladins were somewhere in their twenties now. It was hard to keep exact track considering they were no longer on a planet that had a 365 day year, or any way of counting how many Earth days had passed since finding themselves in a magical blue lion. Much like Matt, the paladins had found love, unsurprisingly, amongst the battles over the years. Some had found it sooner than others but they had all found that someone special eventually. Hunk had been the first to openly admit that Shay was, as he had initially put it, a rock that he admired very much. It was on a return mission to the Balmera that Shay had said that Hunk was a skyling that she treasured, one that resonated with her quintessence.  
  
Shiro had been next, though it was some time after Hunk and Shay became a couple that he had made his move. Everyone had seen it from light years away, but the blushing, tongue-tied Shiro had taken Allura by surprise when he had knelt before her with his head bowed, holding out a small offering of a carved Balmeran crystal shard, asking for permission to court her. Allura had looked from Shiro on his knees to Coran whom had been watching with a fond smile on his face. It had taken Shiro _months_ to muster up the courage to ask Coran about Altean customs regarding love. It hadn’t taken him long to learn everything he needed to court Allura property, but it _had_ taken him years to ask the Princess.  
  
Contrary to what most would have believed, Lance was the last of the paladins to find love among the stars, even though he had quite possibly been looking the longest. Unlike Hunk whose love had been found at first sight, and unlike Shiro’s that had been growing for a long, long time, Lance’s had hit him suddenly out of nowhere. Upon further reflection (on Lance’s part), he had discovered that perhaps it hadn’t been so sudden after all and he had just been too caught up, too immature to see. Pidge didn’t find it surprising at all that Lance had found love in his fellow red paladin; the two balanced one another out quite nicely, especially once they had both matured a little more. Lance now understood that his desire to annoy the shit out of Keith was born from a desire to be noticed by him, to have and hold his attention. Keith had learned that the reason Lance used to get under his skin so easily was because he wanted to be close to Lance, and if bickering and fighting was the only way, then so be it. Their fights were far and few between now, the pair having learned one another’s tells for when the teasing became too much or when affection was needed.  
  
Now Matt had found someone, too, even in the furthest reaches of space, once imprisoned by a tyrannical maniac who was hell-bent on ruling the known universe.  
  
Pidge sighed. She didn’t usually bother with that sort of thing; there were too many other things on her mind like saving the planet or checking out this new piece of code or trying to puzzle out another advanced technology. She didn’t have all that much time for love but there were times when she would see Shiro holding Allura gently or Lance with his head in Keith’s lap or Hunk and Shay holding hands...it seemed nice. Pidge sometimes found herself wondering why she hadn’t found anyone yet. She found herself wondering if there was something wrong with her, if she was broken or missing some fundamentally important part of her brain.  
  
Pidge glanced right and then left, checking that the corridor was clear. She didn’t often seek out the other paladins for help, especially for things that weren’t engineering or technology related. Over the years they really had begun to feel like family. Although she had lost Matt for a time and her father was still missing, she had found a father-figure, three older brothers, an older sister and a quirky uncle and she wouldn’t trade any of them in for even the most majestic piece of Altean technology. Each of them had their own strengths and weaknesses, but Pidge felt most comfortable with Lance. She supposed it was because he came from a big family and was used to having both older and younger siblings. He would fluff up her hair and tease and joke with her as easily as he joked with Keith, though admittedly most of the jokes with Keith were innuendoes that had flown over her head at first. When she was feeling down Lance knew how best to make her laugh or smile and sometimes he would just sit there beside her and listen to her worries. He wouldn’t tell her how to do things; he would talk them over with her, often giving her little stories and snippets about his own life to show that she wasn’t alone.  
  
Taking a breath to steady her nerves, she knocked lightly on the door to Lance’s room, eyes darting from side to side to check for any of the others. The door slid open with a quiet ‘woosh’ and Lance leaned casually against the frame.  
  
“Pidge?” Lance asked, straightening. “What’s up?”  
  
“Can I...talk to you?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
Pidge glanced right then left. “In your room? It’s a bit...personal.”  
  
Lance quirked an eyebrow but stood to the side to allow her to enter.  
  
Unlike Shiro and Allura, Keith and Lance hadn’t quite made it to the stage of sharing a room, but there were still items here and there which belonged to Keith and wouldn’t be returning to his room any time soon. There were two pillows on Lance’s bed and from the door she could see two towels hanging up in the bathroom.  
  
“Keith won’t be coming in for a while,” Lance said, taking a seat on the bed beside Pidge.  
  
“Why don’t you share a room like Shiro and Allura? Or Hunk and Shay?”  
  
Lance shrugged. “I know we spend, like, ninety percent of our time together, but sometimes it’s good to have your own space? Like, I know I can go and stay in Keith’s room if I want, or vice versa, but Keith sometimes needs his own space.”  
  
“You don’t mind?”  
  
“Well, it’s nice having someone to hold at night, but if that’s too much for Keith right now, then that’s okay.”  
  
“Hmm...” Pidge’s shoulders hunched as she curled in on herself a little.  
  
“So what did you want to talk about?” Lance asked gently. He had noticed her nervous body language and wanted her to feel comfortable; he didn’t want it to seem like he was interrogating her. “I doubt that you came all the way here to ask why Keith and I aren’t sharing a room.”  
  
“No...you’re right. That isn’t what I came here to ask.” Pidge tried to look at Lance but couldn’t hold his gaze. She looked to her hands and fiddled with her shirt. “When...um...when was it that you realised you...”  
  
“That I realised I...? Liked Keith?”  
  
Pidge shook her head. “No... when did you realise that you liked girls? I mean guys. I mean...people?”  
  
God she felt so _stupid_ asking.  
  
“I realised I liked girls long before I admitted to myself that I liked guys too. Though I guess people fits because, well, there have been some pretty cute aliens that we’ve encountered,” Lance chuckled.  
  
“I get that you like both guys and girls, but when, exactly, did you first start _liking_ girls?”  
  
"Oh." Lance tapped his chin, giving Pidge’s question serious consideration. “I...don’t know? I think maybe when I was eight I wanted to hold Sophie’s hand at recess, but I don’t know if that counts. I guess I could say I was around fourteen when I thought that I might like to kiss a girl.”  
  
“And...and what about doing more than kissing?” Pidge asked, a blush crossing her cheeks. She didn’t know what she was embarrassed about. She was an adult too now and she knew enough about relationships to know that more than kissing happened often. She should be able to talk about these things with someone her age or older with out blushing like a young teenager.  
  
Rather than screech and squirm at the fact that Pidge was potentially asking him about sex, Lance looked to her, his expression calm and neutral.  
  
“You’re okay with me being totally honest, right?”  
  
Pidge nodded. “I’d appreciate that, actually.”  
  
“And you’re actually asking me about when I first thought that I might like to have sex with someone, right?”  
  
Pidge nodded, unable to bring herself to say yes.  
  
“Well, to be honest, being the middle child in a big family, I probably had slightly more exposure to...intimate...things a bit earlier than most kids. That being said, my family were also pretty open about that kind of thing. I was probably interested in it, _properly_ interested in it, when I was around sixteeen. Maybe a tiny bit younger, but I was definitely close to sixteen if I wasn't already.”  
  
“But isn’t that...”  
  
“Hormones are hormones, Pidge. They don’t give a shit about your age. The difference is that I knew what I was dealing with.”  
  
Pidge tilted her head to the side. “So...you had...?”  
  
“Not when I was that young, no,” Lance laughed. “Mama caught me one day kissing a girl called Ange beneath the apple tree at home when I was fifteen. Mama gave me The Talk, which can I just say was _the_ most embarrassing thing ever. She didn’t chastise me or tell me that I was wrong though. She figured that if I was old enough to be wanting to kiss someone, then I was old enough to learn about the birds and the bees, as it were, and what I should do to be safe.”  
  
“So your Mom _let_ you have sex?!” Pidge couldn’t keep the incredulous tone from her voice.  
  
“Ha! No way! Mama would have killed me if I was.” Lance grin turned sheepish and he was a little pink on the ears. “Didn’t stop me when I was a bit older though...”  
  
“Lance!”  
  
“She taught me to respect whoever I was with. She taught me to be careful and that if Ange ever said she didn’t want to kiss me, then I shouldn’t force her. Not that I would. Mama raised me right. She also told me though, that if _I_ didn’t want to kiss Ange, then I could say no too. It’s nice being told that you can say no when you’re fifteen and feeling all of these new things and your body is reacting in all these strange ways. It can be...it _was_ confusing.””  
  
“That makes sense.”  
  
Lance’s expression grew concerned. “Pidge, is someone pressuring you into doing something you’re not comfortable with?”  
  
Her eyes widened and she raised her hands, palms facing Lance. “No! No, it’s nothing like that, Lance.”  
  
“Good. ‘Cause if someone was, I’d go after them with the rest of team Voltron.”  
  
Pidge chuckled. “I’d believe that.”  
  
A silence fell between them and for once, Lance didn’t fill it with chatter.  
  
“So, um, how old were you when...?”  
  
“When I slept with someone?” Lance asked casually as he leaned back on his hands. “It wasn’t long before I met you at the Garrison, actually.”  
  
Pidge did her utmost to keep the surprise from her face.  
  
“We both wanted to,” Lance shrugged, “We both knew what we were doing and respected one another. We only used our hands, in case you were wondering.”  
  
“I didn’t need the visual, Lance.”  
  
“Hey, at least I wasn’t super descriptive!”  
  
“But that’s... pretty young, isn’t it?”  
  
“Depending on which country you’re in, no,” Lance grinned. “As I said; we both knew what we were doing. No one was pressured into it and we both felt like we could say no if things became too much. I told myself that if I couldn’t go to the pharmacy and buy a box of condoms and lube _without_ being embarrassed, or without trying to hide them amongst other stuff I was buying, then I shouldn’t be having sex.”  
  
Pidge rolled her eyes.  
  
“Don’t diss it. It worked for me five times before I managed to buy a box of condoms without freaking out before getting to the checkouts.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yeah. If I wasn't mature enough to go and buy condoms, then I definitely was not mature enough to be having sex.”  
  
“That seems...kind of smart?”  
  
“I mean, sure, some people will frown upon it because they don’t think that sixteen year olds should be having sex, but the thing is, sixteen year olds have feelings and hormones and it’s hard to navigate all that when you’re kissing someone and they’re touching you and it feels nice. So it’s better to help them be equipped with knowledge on how to handle the situation or how to progress from there, rather than outright say ‘No, you shouldn’t do that’.That’s how accidents happen, Pidge. That’s my opinion at least. Some people agree, others don’t.”  
  
Pidge didn’t feel like she could comment on it. On the one hand, what Lance was saying seemed to go against everything she had ever learned back on Earth. On the other, Lance was speaking from experience, so his opinion perhaps had more weight than any comment she could come up with.  
  
“Did you want to sleep with guys, too?”  
  
“That...was a comparatively more recent development. I think, deep down, I was always attracted to guys as well. I just didn’t acknowledge it. First actual crush that I admitted to was on a guy in our year at the Garrison. I didn’t necessarily want to sleep with him though. I just wanted to snuggle.”  
  
“And it wasn’t Keith?”  
  
“Nah,” Lance said with a grin, “That came later. And by the time I did like Keith, I definitely knew I wanted to sleep with him too.”  
  
“Laaaance!”  
  
“What? You were the one asking about it.”  
  
They fell into another silence. It stretched on for a short while as Pidge mulled things over.  
  
“Is there any particular reason why you’re asking?” Lance asked eventually.  
  
“I’m asking because I don’t understand,” Pidge said eventually, her voice small. “How do you know you want to sleep with someone? How do you know that you like them?”  
  
“Hmm...How?”  
  
“Don’t make fun of me.”  
  
“I’m not, Pidge. I’m trying to figure out how best to answer your question.”  
  
“I’ll use Keith as an example because you know both of us. At first, I didn’t like him romantically and I definitely didn’t want to have sex with him. Eventually, somewhere, at some point, things changed. I guess I matured a little bit or something. I wanted his attention. I wanted him to look at me, and only me. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to hold him close. Eventually I realised that I wanted to kiss him...and then some.”  
  
“How did you know you wanted to do that with Keith though?”  
  
“Well, I don’t want to hold Shiro’s hand, and I don’t want to sleep with Hunk. Kissing Allura might be nice though,” Lance laughed. “But it’s only something I think about on the odd occasion. I wouldn’t actually do it, especially since I’m with Keith now and Allura has Shiro.”  
  
Lance flopped back onto the mattress, looking up at the ceiling as his laced his fingers together and rested his head in his hands.  
  
“Can I ask you a question, Pidge? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Are you asking me about this because we all have partners?”  
  
Pidge sighed heavily, flopping down beside Lance.  
  
“Maybe? I...don’t know. Matt asked if I had someone and then I just thought that everyone has someone special and...”  
  
“And?”  
  
“And I don’t. I’m almost eighteen, Lance. Almost eighteen and...and I don’t even know what it’s like to want to kiss someone.”  
  
“That’s okay. Everyone does things in their own time, Pidge. Don’t let anyone ever, _ever_ , tell you otherwise.”  
  
Pidge didn’t respond for quite some time. When she did, her voice was quiet and wavered slightly. “Am I...Lance, is there something wrong with me?”  
  
Lance rolled onto his side, propping himself up onto his elbows. His gaze held Pidge’s intensely.  
  
“No. Absolutely not. There’s nothing wrong with you Pidge. You’re perfectly normal. Maybe you won’t ever want to kiss someone, and, you know what, that’s okay. Maybe you’ll only ever want to hug someone. Maybe one day you’ll find someone that you think you might like to kiss, or someone that you might want to sleep with. But it’s okay if you don’t find someone, or if you don’t want to find someone. Just like how it’s okay for me to like girls and guys and anyone else, it’s okay for you to like no one.”  
  
Pidge rolled onto her stomach, resting her chin in her hands. “Th--that’s a thing?”  
  
“Oh yeah. There’s a bunch of different things that help people identify themselves if they want. Just like how I’m bi. I _could_ use the label of pan, cos I apparently can dig any gender, but I use bi. Hunk is pan though, I think. Shiro is straight. For ease of explanation, I’m going to say Keith is gay, but he’s technically a homoromantic demisexual. You know what the majority of those sexualities are, right?”  
  
“Yeah, I do.”  
  
“So if there are sexualities where you can be sexually attracted to the opposite gender or same gender or two genders or _all_ genders, then it makes sense that there’s a sexuality where you don’t experience it towards any gender. There’s also a sexuality where you generally don’t experience sexual attraction but there might be that one special person that you form a connection with that you end up finding yourself wanting to maybe sleep with them.”  
  
Pidge’s eyes widened. “What are those ones called?”  
  
“Asexuality is for where you don’t feel sexual attraction towards anyone and demisexual is where you might end up being sexually attracted to someone you connect with.”  
  
“That’s what you said Keith was, right?”  
  
Lance nodded. “Yup. Sexuality is crazy and weird sometimes, and don’t even get me started on romantic attraction, my god. It’s no wonder so many people are confused when they start feeling things. Or when they realise they don’t have any of those feelings that you’re apparently _supposed_ to have.”  
  
“Asexuality...”  
  
The word resonated with her. There was a _reason_ she hadn’t felt something for someone yet.  
  
“How does that feel?” Lance asked. He could recall the feeling he had when he finally accepted who he was...the first time he had whispered to himself that he was bisexual. If he had any say in the matter, he wouldn’t let Pidge feel that same isolation and fear that he had.  
  
“It’s...I feel...lighter? Like, now I have a billion more questions and I don’t know if I’m going to feel better or worse later but, right now...”  
  
“It’s nice knowing you’re not broken,” Lance said with a smile.

"Yeah."  
  
“If you ever have any questions, about _anything_ \- about love or feelings, or sex or attraction or if you’re feeling lonely or down...you can ask or chat. You can talk to any of us, you know?”  
  
“I know,” Pidge said with a smile.  
  
The door to Lance’s room opened revealing Keith who was red-faced and dripping with sweat.  
  
“How’d training go?” Lance asked.  
  
“Good,” Keith replied as he entered the room. “Pidge? What’s up?”  
  
“We were having a chat. Nothing to worry about.” Lance waited for Keith to head into the shower before continuing. “Was there anything else you wanted to ask?”  
  
Pidge thought for a moment. She had a hundred different questions buzzing about her head, but first she wanted to do some research.  
  
“I think I’m okay for now.”  
  
“If you think of anything, you know where I am. Actually...if you’re feeling up to it, Keith probably would be good to talk to as well. He might have a slightly better understanding of how you’re feeling, or if you’re struggling with something.”        
  
Pidge stood from the bed, stretching her arms up towards the ceiling.  
  
“Thanks, Lance.” She glanced to the closed bathroom door. “I’ll keep Keith in mind.”  
  
As the door swooshed closed, Pidge spared a quick glance over her shoulder. She was certain Lance would never fully understand just how much it meant to her that she could talk to him like that, that she felt comfortable enough to go to him with her questions and problems. Pidge headed back to her hangar, a slight spring in her step and an excited flutter in her stomach.  
  
She might have hundreds of new questions to think about, but for now she was happy knowing that it was okay that she didn’t have a partner.  
  
Pidge wasn’t broken and it made her heart soar and a wide grin spread across her face.  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pidge seeks out Keith to see if he can help her figure out what she's feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a few people wanted to see a conversation between Pidge and Keith, and I was interested in exploring that too, which is where this chapter comes from.
> 
> If I've misrepresented demisexuality or romantic attraction, please let me know. Much like Pidge, I'm still learning too ;)
> 
> If I need to tag anything due to the content of this fic, please let me know and I shall add it.

* * *

Life was surprisingly normal after her talk with Lance. After feeling so much relief, she had thought that maybe something would have changed, like perhaps there would have been a shift in the universe. She felt like her old fourteen year old self again, back when life was (oddly enough) far less confusing. Pidge felt sure and confident in her thoughts and actions with nothing but her friends and Voltron duties to worry about. There was no point in worrying about finding love in outer space if she just wasn’t interested in finding it. In her down time, Pidge scoured the internet, reading articles and anecdotes on people’s experiences with asexuality. It was interesting to learn about other’s experiences and for a while, she was at peace.  
  
Things stayed the same: Hunk often accompanied Pidge in the workshop, tinkering on something mechanical whilst she typed away on the computer looking at code or trying to implement a tech upgrade. Allura would sometimes invite Pidge into her room for a girls night, an attempt at trying to  be culturally sensitive. Pidge didn’t have the heart to tell Allura that gossip sessions and makeovers weren’t the only things done at a girls night because she genuinely enjoyed seeing Allura relax and take some well deserved time off. Coran still asked for Pidge’s help with the ship, teaching her about the different tech and how to use it. Shrio looked after the team as usual, reminding the paladins of the various things they’d often forget when working on something. Keith was still Keith, spending the majority of his time on the training deck. Lance still looked out for everyone from behind the scenes, often making jokes to lift the mood when things were dull. Though he _had_ taken to calling her ‘Ace Cadet’ occasionally which hardly made sense because by now she was definitely higher ranked than a cadet. She appreciated his little in-joke with her though.  
  
Despite the reassurances from Lance all those months ago and despite the hundreds of articles and blog entries confirming that her feelings were real, Pidge began to feel lost.  
  
Everywhere she looked, all she noticed were couples: on planets that they visited for some rest and relaxation, in the middle of battles fought to free a species from Zarkon’s rule. Pidge tried not to let it bother her. She tried not to feel like there was something wrong or missing but each hug that she witnessed, each nose-bump between Hunk and Shay, each kiss of the cheek that Allura gave to Shiro made her feel worse. Even Coran had finally found himself in a loving relationship with the leader of the Olkari. She wanted to talk to Lance but wasn’t sure how to start. Pidge knew that Lance and Keith were close, but they weren’t as close as Lance would have liked. She had only ever seen them kissing once before, by accident, in the kitchen one early morning.  
  
How do you tell people that their displays of affection for their someone special are difficult to see?  
  
Deep down, where she kept all of her secrets safe, Pidge knew why it was hard to watch.  
  
It was hard to see everyone paired up because she yearned for it. She _wanted_ to have that someone special. She wanted to hold hands with someone and look at the stars and talk about her latest robotic invention. Pidge wanted to have quiet dinners with someone and curl up on the lounge and talk about whatever was on her mind. She wanted to laugh and cry and argue and shout and live with someone.  
  
Pidge was angry with herself. Angry with herself for being so jealous when others were happy. When her _family_ were happy. When they had once been yearning, just like she was, for that special someone. Taking a leaf out of Keith’s book, rather than tinker with her latest robots or try and crack an encoded Galra message, she took to the training decks.  
  
It wasn’t easy. The training robots came at her swiftly, not caring that her weapon was better equipped for stealth. Whilst her bayard could be used as a close-combat weapon, the blade was short, meaning she needed to be in exceptionally close quarters to deal damage. Whilst her short stature helped with her maneuverability, it meant that she struggled with well-trained soldiers who had power behind their hits. Pidge growled angrily at the robot that had cornered her, her frustrations at herself and the world around her coming forth. She forced her bayard down the robot’s blade, shoving against it with all her might. It didn’t budge and pushed against her seemingly without any effort.  
  
But who would want someone like her? Who would want to waste their time with a girl who wanted nothing more than a loving hug and _maybe_ a kiss or two? Who would want to spend their life with a girl who didn’t really want to create a family or have a child, who shied away from the very idea of sleeping with someone?  
  
No one, Pidge had told herself. No one would.  
  
Tears formed at the corners of her eyes as she was forced backwards.  
  
No one.  
  
Her arms trembled against the force of the training bot bearing down on her. Pidge grunted with the effort of keeping the blade at bay.  
  
No one.  
  
The force was too much for her and she let out a surprised yell as the blade slipped. She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the inevitable pain of the blade puncturing her shoulder through the paladin armour.  
  
The sound of metal scraping against metal makes Pidge crack her eyes open. The tip of a familiar blade stopped just short of her shoulder, the glowing blue light in the training bot’s eye flickering out.  
  
“What are you _doing_?!” Keith shouted as he pulled his bayard free.  
  
Pidge slumped to the ground, her hand loosening its hold on her bayard as she fell. Tears still clung to her cheeks and her arms trembled from the effort of trying to keep the training bot at bay. Keith whirled around at the sound of another training bot dashing across the floor. He blocked the slash, dropping his weight to take the brunt of the force before kicking it away.  
  
“End training sequence!”  
  
The training bots powered down and Keith rounded on Pidge.  
  
“Why didn’t you end the training sequence? You could have been seriously injured,” Keith admonished. He looked at Pidge with a hard gaze, his chest still heaving from his mad scramble from one end of the training deck to the other to reach Pidge in time.  
  
“I...was angry,” Pidge mumbled.  
  
Keith sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Being angry can cloud your judgement...I should know.”  
  
Pidge gave Keith a tight lipped smile. “Thanks for helping me.”  
  
“I thought I was too late.”  
  
“Why didn’t you just end the training sequence when you walked in?”  
  
Keith took a seat beside Pidge, clipping his bayard to his thigh. “I kind of acted without thinking. Which isn’t anything unusual.”  
  
“...so you sprinted the length of the training deck, just to stab the training bot before it stabbed me.”  
  
Keith shrugged. “As I said: I acted without thinking.”  
  
Pidge gave a soft huff of laughter and bumped her shoulder against Keith’s.  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
“Why were you on the training deck anyway?” Keith asked after a few moments of stretched out silence. “Not that I’m the only one who can use it...but you’re usually in the hangar with Hunk or at the controls with Coran.”  
  
Pidge drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “I was angry. Tinkering with my things was just going to frustrate me more...”  
  
Keith cocked his head to the side regarding Pidge. “Why?”  
  
She sighed. “Shay’s visiting at the moment, so she has the hangar with Hunk. I didn’t want to impose.”  
  
“You know you wouldn’t be,” Keith said gently. “The hangar is as much your space as it is Hunk’s. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind you being there, even when Shay is visiting.”  
  
Pidge rested her forehead on her knees, shoulders drooping.  
  
“It’s not them, it’s _me_.”  
  
Keith looked to Pidge, feeling quite out of his element. Pidge usually went to Lance for advice, but here she was, curled up into a little ball in the training deck. He could hardly say ‘go and talk to Lance’. Even _if_ Lance was far better equipped to deal with heart to hearts and emotional conversations.  
  
“What makes you say that?”  
  
Pidge was quiet for a long time. Keith was beginning to wonder if maybe he had said the wrong thing when she shifted, threading her fingers through her hair. She didn’t look at Keith when she spoke.  
  
“Can I ask you something? It’s not about fighting or anything... Lance said you’d be good to talk to.”  
  
Keith was taken aback.  
  
“He did?”  
  
“He did...so...can I ask?”  
  
Part of him was wondering _why_ Lance had suggested Pidge seek him out. Keith was sincerely wishing that she had gone to Lance: Lance who was so used to having people come to him for advice and to talk. Lance who was better at reading and interacting with people. The other part of him was oddly pleased that Pidge wanted to talk to him about something, that she could reach out to him with her problems. Although he was out of his element, if Lance said he could help, then he’d damn well try.  
  
“Of course.”  
  
“Before Lance...before Lance, what sort of relationships had you been in?”  
  
Keith blinked. This was _not_ the sort of question he had been expecting. Relationships absolutely, one hundred percent were not his area of expertise. In fact, he had next to no experience that he felt completely inadequate to be answering Pidge’s questions, whatever they might be.  
  
“Um...How to put this without making it seem like I’m brushing you off...”  
  
“I realise it’s a very personal question...sorry for asking. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” She had forgotten that not everyone would be as open about their personal experiences as Lance was.  
  
“It’s not that,” Keith said, reaching out to gently grip Pidge’s shoulder. “If you’re asking about relationships then I don’t know if I’m the best person to be asking...”  
  
“Why?”  
  
Keith took a breath.  “Because Lance is my _first_.”  
  
Oh God, he had actually said it out loud. To someone who wasn’t Lance.  
  
Pidge looked up at Keith then, eyes wide. “Your first?”  
  
He looked away in mild embarrassment. Keith couldn’t bring himself to answer and settled for nodding.  
  
“Really? How old were you when you and Keith started dating?” She asked.  
  
Keith’s brow furrowed and he finally managed to look at Pidge.  
  
“Almost twenty...but you know that. Why?”  
  
Pidge fidgeted. Keith had only found his first boyfriend at twenty. That was older than she was currently. There was someone else, someone she _knew_ , that had waited a long time for their someone. Maybe there was hope for her still?  
  
“A while ago...I was talking with Lance about...about some things. And I’ve been doing some research, and for a while everything was okay, but I’ve been feeling...feeling like I’m missing out and...”  
  
“Pidge?”  
  
“Lance told me that you were demisexual so...so you might be able to help me. Maybe. I don’t know...it just feels kind of lonely...and I don’t know...”  
  
Keith sat up a little straighter and angled his body slightly so that he was turning to face her. Any notion he had of wanting Lance to help Pidge was chased away by the tone of her voice. Of hearing someone else say the things he had thought himself all those years ago when there hadn’t been anyone to talk to.  
  
“I get it.” Keith replied. When Pidge didn’t say anything, he continued. “I understand how you’re feeling. It’s like...like...you see the entire world in pairs. Everywhere. Friends, family, strangers. Even in nature. Even if you don’t want to see it, or try not to see it. And you wonder...why not me? Why can’t I be like them? It _might_ be better if you were aromantic, because you wouldn’t want to find someone, or be in a relationship. But...but you feel like it’s not fine because you want it. You want it but you don’t think you can have it or deserve it. You feel like whoever you end up with is going to lose out or not want to be with you because you feel like you’re keeping something from them. And...and it hurts. I understand. It hurts to think that way.”  
  
“I don’t want to feel this way, Keith. I don’t want to feel lonely or guilty for wanting something while worrying about what I can’t give to someone else...”  
  
He reached out, placing an arm around Pidge’s shoulders drawing her close. “I know that having someone who is in a relationship telling you that you’ll find someone doesn’t help.”  
  
Pidge turned her head slightly, nestling into the crook of Keith’s neck. “No...not really.”  
  
“But you _are_ deserving, Pidge. Just like everyone else in the universe, you are deserving of being in a relationship if you want it.”  
  
“What if they want...something more than I can give them?”  
  
“More?”  
  
“You know...”  
  
Keith blinked, drawing a complete blank. “I really don’t.”  
  
It took Pidge a moment to pluck up the courage to speak. “ _Sex_.”  
  
“Oh,” Keith chuckled. “Sorry. I’m not so great at picking up on those sorts of things. A stereotype of asexuals and demisexuals alike that I unfortunately stick to....much to the dismay of Lance.”  
  
“Lance?”  
  
“He’s a bit of a flirt, if you hadn’t noticed.”  
  
“I had.”  
  
“I’m not so good at reading that. Lance _tries_ to flirt with me, but I usually completely miss it. He says he’s trying to be romantic. But that’s something else. Pidge, if someone wants, how did you put it? More than you can give them, and they don’t respect that, then they are not good for you. Sex isn’t the be all and end all of a loving relationship. Lots of relationships are close without including sex. It’s just that, for whatever reason, human society puts a lot of importance on it. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. Some people do, for various reasons. Some people don’t. And that’s fine. You’re allowed to want to be in a relationship without that sort of physical intimacy.”  
  
“Is that why Lance is your first?”  
  
Keith fell silent for a little while.  
  
“Sorry if that’s too personal,” Pidge said.  
  
“Don’t apologise, Pidge. You’re just trying to understand. Lance is my first because it took me a very long time to be okay with who I am and what I wanted. I was confused and worried that I wouldn’t be enough for someone who I might be interested in. I’m romantic; I _want_ a romantic relationship with someone but I’m demisexual too. It’s hard to say to someone that you want to be close to ‘Yeah, I want to kiss you and snuggle, but I don’t desire you’. Some people can find it hurtful to hear that from someone they’re in a relationship with.”  
  
“I wouldn’t mind hearing that” Pidge said.  
  
“Yeah, but you’re...”  
  
“Ace.”  
  
“Ace Cadet makes so much sense now.”  
  
Pidge grinned. “You heard that?”  
  
“Once or twice. I thought my com-link was cutting out the ‘s’ in ‘space’. Anyway, _you_ wouldn’t mind because you’re ace and don’t experience sexual attraction in the first place. Someone who _isn’t_ ace might not take it so well, especially if sex is a way that they show their affection for their partner.”  
  
“That’s...a thing?”  
  
Keith nodded. “It’s something special that they only do with their partner. They’re vulnerable and open and it’s their way of showing their love and trust.”  
  
“Oh...I guess that makes things a bit complicated then, huh? If you’re not with someone who is ace too.”  
  
“Just a bit.”  
  
“Um...can I ask...uh...how Lance took it? Learning that you’re demisexual?”  
  
“There’s a reason we don’t share a room.”  
  
“I thought it was because you liked your space?”  
  
“That’s part of it, but another part of it is that Lance doesn’t want me feeling uncomfortable. Having my own room lets me approach Lance if or when I’d like to. I have told Lance that it’s okay for him to approach me, I mean, I  _am_ attracted to him, but he’s insistent that if or when we’re together, it’s on my terms.”  
  
“Why would you be uncomfortable? Aren’t you boyfriends?”  
  
“The asexual spectrum is incredibly varied. Some people are okay with sex, others aren’t. Some are indifferent, some are interested or want it but just don’t experience the attraction. I, personally, fall into the categories of indifferent and interested. If Lance, um...gets _too_ into something, I’m not going to get angry or upset. Lance, though, doesn’t want to make me feel like I have to do anything just because of how he reacts to me.”  
  
“That’s...really understanding?”  
  
“It is, and I love him all the more for it. At the same time though, I need to acknowledge that Lance _does_ have desires of his own. It isn’t just about making sure I’m comfortable and happy. Lance needs to be happy too. And I guess that’s what really matters. It doesn’t matter if you’re ace or demi, if you’re bi or straight or pan or anything else. Everyone is deserving of love, in any form. You just need to be willing to communicate and work on it together, I think. It’s not just about one person. It’s about both of you, or all of you, and finding what works best to make everyone happy and feel loved.”  
  
“It’s still lonely...”  
  
“I can’t really help there...because nothing I can say or do will make you feel less lonely. I know it sounds like bullshit, but one day you’ll wake up, or see someone or do something and think to yourself ‘I am deserving.’”  
  
“You think so?”  
  
“I do. And when you think that, when you believe that you deserve the thing that you want, don’t just wait for it to come to you. You go and you try to find it, otherwise you might be waiting for a long, long time. Otherwise the thing you’re looking for might not realise that you’re looking for it too.”  
  
“How do you know?”  
  
Keith gave Pidge a soft smile and a squeeze. “Because I found Lance and I was feeling exactly the same as you right now.”  
  
“Keith...that’s _so_...”  
  
“Stupid sounding? Cheesy? Something that Lance would say?”  
  
“No,” Pidge said with a laugh, lifting her head from Keith’s shoulder. “ _Romantic_. And not like the usual you that everyone gets to see.”  
  
“What?” Keith asked sounding defensive. “It’s true. Besides, I reserve my romantic side for Lance, and Lance alone.”  
  
Pidge stood up, brushing dust from her armour. “I want to find someone, but I don’t know if I want to find someone now. How long will I feel like this for? This weird guilty, lonely feeling? ”  
  
Keith gave her a sad look. “I don’t know. But it’s okay to feel that way right now. You’re unsure about things, and that’s okay. You’ve got people here who care about you, who are here to help if you need it. Pidge, you’re not weird or broken because you feel differently about things. When you’re ready, go and find someone that makes you feel loved and deserving of affection. You’ll find them. I know you will.”  
  
Pidge laughed, extending a hand to Keith to pull him up from the ground.  
  
“Well, everyone else found someone, right? Thanks for talking with me, Keith.”  
  
Pidge didn’t know if she felt any better about herself, but she appreciated Keith’s company and his words all the same. It was reassuring to know that it took Keith time to be able to open up to someone. It was reassuring to know that someone knew what this weird feeling was that twisted around in her chest every time she saw Shay’s hand in Hunk’s, or Allura’s head in Shiro’s lap. It was reassuring to know that Keith, so similar to herself, had finally found his someone.  
  
It gave her hope that she would find her someone too.


End file.
